*Girl Talk Included

   My Mother received a phone call from my Aunt yesterday inviting us up for Sunday dinner. What was more was the fact she wished to have us up more often once or twice a month. We both felt that was nice. We do not get out much and I find it nice to be around family even with the past I have had with many of them.
   My Uncle was the second in my Family to accept my transition. Someone other than my Grandmother was nice. It was just nice to know there was another. They may not show it but I know it has been hard for him and his family to understand what I am going through. However they have surprised me with they're politeness and hospitality. Especially my Aunt.
  Many of my family have been entrenched in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon). This Aunt being one of them. I have learned to respect that of late as I make my own peace with God. However they belonging to the Church makes their reactions to my Transition unpredictable and erratic. Frankly it down right scares me! Why you may ask? Because I do not want to loose any of them.
  Again I keep getting surprised by them. They're eldest boys my Twin cousins flat out said to me in their own ways. They wont cut me off. They wont stop talking to me. Most importantly they don't want to loose the person they grew up with. I practically cried for out of all my family these two people mattered above many.
  Back to yesterday's Sunday dinner we were all hanging about waiting for dinner to finish cooking and the eclipse to begin. I told my Aunt about how I looked in the mirror the other night and saw I had a waist. For the first time since I was five I had a waist! What hit me is what she asked me after I said that. She didn't even hesitate. She asked me if I had a dress to wear to show off that waist! I never expected to hear something like that from her! But I responded in turn and told her no not yet though I have a skirt.
  To be included in such casual Girl talk automatically without a second thought means a lot to me. It means somewhere in their minds I am a young woman. That gives me hope for the future that progress can be made in other areas as well and perhaps with other family members. I have a ways to go and more family to talk to but as Visibly Me Maxine Marie I shall go forth with my best foot forward!

Changing Mindsets...

   It's strange how my own mindset has changed. On many things. One is what I am afraid of or rather how I am afraid of it. I go on evening walks, and have been for over a period of a few years now. Before my transition; before the physical changes took place; I could walk without thinking about what may go bump in the night. That changed however when the Hormones began to change my body. As time wore on I needed to wear a Bra. Even a sports Bra made things painfully obvious something was different about me as I walked down the street. I was not full time and I began to worry I may be hurt or worse for appearing in this limbo like state. Tonight as I went on my walk I noticed I no longer worried about such things. No that worry was replaced with a underlying fear. A fear that hovers on the edges of your mind as you walk along at night as a young woman. A fear of what or who may lurk in the shadows. I have been wolf whistled at and other such things and perhaps that has helped instill such a cautionary fear. I am going to start my walks a bit earlier from now on.
   Another mindset, Sexuality. This one to is strange for me to address mostly because I never really have. For pretty much my whole life I have been struggling with my identity. I have never even gone on a date! I use to believe I was attracted to women. Looking back with hindsight I find that really isn't true at all. I didn't want to be with a woman I wanted to be among them. One of their number. I needed to be. Perhaps that is what I perceived as attraction at the time. Lately as my Identity starts to settle at last on its proper course my sexuality has been saying, "Hey! Hey! HEY!" Waving it's arms about trying to grab my attention. I look about and realize that Men are becoming the focus of my attraction. I just don't know if I can do anything about that at this stage in my Transition. I don't want to. I want the man woman relationship and I don't mean just the sex. I mean the actual relationship. It's something that I just can't do till I have had Reassignment Surgery.
  Emotionally my mindset has changed drastically as well. Before my transition my emotions were nothing more than a summer rain storm compared to the raging Hurricane they are now. They have made me stronger to say the least but the turmoil one can experience within as a woman is unimaginable.
   One last mindset is now that I am full-time and working on changing my name now what? I mean I do not have money for Laser removal yet nor surgery. I suppose I just live and wait for my transition to continue to work its magic. However I feel lost again for some reason. What do I do? I am going to put more effort into my writing but I still am striving for more. I must accomplish the end of Visibly Me Maxine Marie!

Full-Time At Last!

  Yesterday. Yesterday was a Blast! I went shopping with my Mother. After we managed to get the Mother"s Day shopping done we hunted down clothing for my new wardrobe. At last a start on being full-time and a major release of much built up depression and tension.
  We started at Dressbarn in Draper were I found a nice skirt that was practically screaming at me from the rack. The clerk helped us find a nice top to go with it as well. I can't wait to wear and show it off! My Mother while at the counter said she needed some "Bling"; and since they were buy one get one half off I got a new pair of earrings as well; and I love them!
   As we left the store we both were very hungry. Carl's Jr became our next stop for a low carb Turkey Burger.  We are on a special diet but that burger was both delicious and satisfying as usual. As we ate my mother asked me now what, Torrids?
  Off to Fashionplace Mall we drove. I love the style of clothing at Torrids and whats more the clothes fit. When we arrived the clerks were once more immediately helpful as they were on my first visit there about a year ago. They get many Transgender customers and are always glad to help out and making you comfortable while in the store.
  I now have a good start on a wardrobe enough to be me and build on. I know it was hard for my Mother to do what she did yesterday. She has come a long way in a short time in regards to acceptance of my transition. However I now know she wishes to see me happy and move forward in the life I was meant to have wherever it may lead me. At last I am Visibly Me Maxine Marie!



 

Trapped....

 I feel so trapped today my skin, my body the prison. There isn't anything I can do right now to change it. My mind has become once more plagued by the could have been's and the would have been's and most especially the should have been's. The need to's and have to's have joined the mind fray this time as well. I do not know how much more I can withstand.
  I could have been born biologically a girl. Why wasn't I? I should have been. It would have put my life on a course that I see so many acquaintances upon. I should be on that course too. I need to be on that course. I have to be on that course. I should be following that course!
  So people say now I am at least heading in that general direction. I suppose so. Still I need Reassignment Surgery. I have to have it. It is one of the last remaining walls in my head, and the only way I can continue to move forward in my life. I just can't afford it.
   Nine years ago I was diagnosed with a Seizure Disorder. Hit me hard you could say. Many in my family and other acquaintanceship did not really understand and therefore were no help in that situation. They told me to get a job while I was seizing every few hours or so. It took a few years to get it and me under control. By then I had no job history. Has does one get a job let alone money for a Surgery they need with no job history?!
   If I had no job history how did I get money to start my transition you might ask. I had a brief job as a stage tech. It wasn't even part time but I was able to save up enough to see the therapist and later the doctor to get started. Hormones are cheap compared to many other prescription drugs. Once you have your Note to start HRT and get the initial doctors visit out of the way Transitioning isn't all that expensive until you need to get blood drawn again or see your doctor or you arrive at the point of Surgery.
   I shouldn't need to have Surgery. I could have been born the way I should have been born. It would have saved so much more trouble for me, family, and more in the end.
   Why? Why do I need Reassignment Surgery? It will match me entirely as a whole for one. Another reason is Relationships. My Sexual Orientation has made itself known clearly at last. It was never clear I saw my orientation through a fog my whole life until now. I know I was always uncomfortable around guy talk because I wasn't attracted to women the way they were. I didn't see women the way they did. That's right I am attracted to men. I do not know if I can have a relationship with a woman. I think that has been part of my social problem now and growing up. I was expected to and I couldn't.
  At first I didn't know why those OF's popped up every so often like they did today and plagued me so. I do now. It's regret. Regret for a past I could have had, and regret for a Future I may not get to see. A Future I desperately want and reach for with my heart and soul. I will strive for it. I just don't know how to go about getting there. I suppose right there is another reason I feel Trapped.

Passing For Me....

   Funny how things went for me yesterday. The night before I stubbornly bit my lip and put my foot down as I made my mind up to be me the next day. I knew my mother and I would be going around town here in Utah County doing our weekly shopping for groceries and such. That is exactly what I did when I awoke.
   My mother hollered through the house as I was laying in bed that we needed to go to the store. I crawled out of it and went into her room to find her hacking and slashing at things in her game on her computer. I knew I had time.
   I took my time in the shower turning the heat up to ease the aches in my back. My muscles there for some reason keep being pulled and become stiff all through the day sometimes multiple days in a row. Hot water sometimes helps and stops the stiffness from settling in. I also did the usual feminine routine to make sure I was presentable. No girl wants furry legs.
   As I waited for my hair to finish drying and the fog on the mirror to clear. I checked my Facebook. One of the few mediums I have to keep in contact with friends and the local GLBTQ Community. A couple of friends were heading to the Festival of Colors. Damn I wanted to go to that. It sneaked up on me again! Oh well next year I suppose.
   I headed back into the bathroom and started doing my makeup. I can never decide on what Eye-Shadow to use. Only a few shades I have moderately go with my eye color. Finally satisfied I finished applying the rest and went into my mothers room to ask a question.
   I needed socks. Some thin ones, paper thin to be exact. She looked around and handed me a pair. They would do. I needed them for my healed boots. As if I wasn't tall enough already! It was also a mistake to put them on that early.
   My mother wanted to clean up the house by getting rid of all the trash that had accumulated. Spring is here after all and Spring cleaning had begun. I made multiple trips to the dumpster across from our apartment. In those healed boots. By the time we were done and ready to head out my feet and ankles ached. The first person to say I have no stamina for heals gets my heal kicked in their nether region!
   I heaved a sigh of relief as I sat down in the car and we headed off to the store. The employee's at the Orem Harmons were familiar with us. From the cheese guy and gall, the butchers, the bread cutters, down to many of the cashiers. We were valued customers and always recognized us when we came in. Yesterday was no different.
   I got a few double glances but the same smiles I always did from them. However the other customers were a different story. Most didn't even think twice about me when they saw me! If they did double takes I could tell they were looking at my height due to those boots. I was just another average Jane in the grocery store.
   We went to Costco after Harmons. Things there were a little different. I got a few strange looks, but it was not anything I couldn't put up with. I have put up with strange looks before in SLC. Most in the crowds of Costco are intent on grabbing and snatching they're bulks and rushing to get a place in line so they can get the heck out of that mob.
   As we got home and were carrying the groceries in our next door neighbor saw me. I don't know what he was thinking. I know this was inevitable I am me and going to be me for a lifetime. And I stayed me all day Yesterday. I even went on my walk last night as me.
   On my walk a couple funny things happened. I had just left and was at the first light to cross University Prkwy. A group of young adults around my age came and waiting for the light with me. A few kept looking at me. I noticed they were trying to figure me out. Shortly after on another street somebody stopped and asked if they I wanted a ride. This street isn't exactly the place cars should stop to do that. I shook my head and the driver moved on.
   I don't need a Real Life Test. I've already passed. I can pass for people pass me by. I have the confidence to be me. I am now and forever Visibly Me Maxine Marie!

Screaming Me!

                I don’t know if I can do this. Write my story down this way. I want to cry as I type. It is hard to express what I have really gone through in my life. Who am I is where I should begin I suppose. My name is Natalie and I was born a boy.

                I hated that word that phrase, a boy. You’re a boy Nathan. You’re a boy Natalie! I wanted to scream. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why won’t anyone listen? Why can’t they hear me? I am here aren’t I?

                No for a long time I suppose I wasn’t. For a long time I was someone I was not. For a long time I was Nathan. That hurt me. That depressed me and that practically almost killed me.

                I don’t know what is going through my head sitting here at my computer writing this. How will this help me? I still want to cry. I have to close my eyes and put my hands to my face every so often and breathe just to continue. Keep going Natalie. Keep going.

                I’ve been transitioning for little over a year now. That boy everyone kept telling me to be continues to fade into my past. He still haunts me. Every day more and more I see the real me emerge like a butterfly out of a cocoon.

                I may be all over the place as I write this. I am free-writing my thoughts. Whatever pops into my head I type out. I think it is the only way I can do this in all honesty. I have written blogs about my transition but that seems different than this. Easier even. I am not sure why.

                Natalie keep it together and continue. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! On these pages silent screams. No wonder no one can hear me. My written words have only been shared with a precious few.

                Natalie is not the name I actually go by. It was the name of a Transgender character I made up. One I was using in a story I tried to write of my life before this. It didn’t work out. I don’t know why I brought and kept the name Natalie here. It fits me. Fits me just as well as the name I currently go by.

                Strange how things keep changing in my life and mold around me. How they can go from bad to worse and from worse to good. I am happy. I am a happy girl. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s right I can scream it! I AM A HAPPY GIRL!

                I had to breathe again for a minute. I don’t know why this is so emotional. Why being born a boy would continue to haunt me now that I am becoming the girl I know I am. Perhaps it is because things are coming to a head in my life.

                That is a scary thought at times. I mean where I live I can be hurt easily just for continuing to present somewhat as a man. What do I mean? My transition has reached a point where I can not entirely pass as a man anymore and without a shave and some makeup as a woman. I have some scary encounters none have been while I was fully as me. All have been in that limbo-like state. I am becoming a frightened girl. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

                Lately I go on my daily walks at night. I can wear a jacket still in this warming weather at night. It doesn’t help except to give me a little confidence to be out. Last night however with two jackets on due to the rain they did nothing at all. I was on a section of street that wasn’t well lit at least on my side. The other while well lit had no sidewalk. A car pulled up beside me and its cabin light was on. The guy in side was scruffy mid late 20’s and had a cigg in his mouth and money in his hand. He kept looking at me and following along beside me in his car. He did so for about two minutes before pulling away and I breathed again.

                Hormones do more than just develop your body into a more feminine shape.  Muscle mass is reduced and body fat redistributed as well. What you may have been able to do before transitioning you may not be able to now. Not in the same way. Like opening a can of pickles!

                AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I have to keep screaming. I have to let it all out. I am so emotionally tense. It has built up all this time all these years. You’re a boy Nathan. You’re a boy Natalie. NO I AM A FUCKING GIRL GET IT FUCKING RIGHT PEOPLE! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHO I AM. YOU NEVER COULD! You never could. You never could get me.

                You think they can hear me now? Natalie the girl.  No not Natalie. I like the name. I could even go by it, but I am Maxine. Maxine Marie that is me. Although Maxine Natalie Marie has sort of a nice ring to it! Kind of a long name however. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Perhaps I could use it as a Pen name when I become an Author.

                I suppose this has worked out a little bit. Free-writing a part of me I mean and my experiences. Perhaps I shall put it in my blog. Start sharing it there however I wish certain other people were reading my blog. All in due time I suppose.

                In my blogs I write I usually have a sign off I do when I end something I have written however this wasn’t meant to be a blog. I have Free-written this entire little blurb. I suppose I will just end it with an, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

The Right Life....

  The right life. Is there one? I have always seen myself on a path just next to the one everyone else is walking on. Separated by nothing for I could see the other path and the people on it clearly. Alone on mine I wander. Outcast by God and doomed to a fictional life that was never meant to be. The wrong life.
   Why? I use to and still do ask myself and God this simple question. Why was I born in the wrong body? Was not the hardships I was going to have in life not enough? Did I really need a Gender Identity thrown into the mix? Did I need to be denied the other path and most importantly to me a family of my own one day?
  A family of my own. I would love to have children of my own flesh and blood. That can never be. Due to Hormone Replacement Therapy I am sterile, and I will not go off hormones for the few weeks it would take to become fertile again. There is no guarantee that is possible anyhow. At this point it is Reassignment Surgery or bust. I cannot live any other way. I never could the lifetime of depression I once faced was proof of that.
  My depression. My family nor my doctors never could figure out what was the cause. I remember so many different anti-depressants over the course of many years to help with it. None ever worked and a couple only masked it. I was hospitalized the first time at about the age of five for suicide attempts. Deep down I knew all along the cause of my depression. I was different.
  Different. It took many years to put another term to that word. When I found the term Transgender it hit home  immediately, and just as quickly I denied it. I was Mormon this couldn't be! It meant upsetting my family and at the time my family meant everything to me. Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and Grandparents they all meant the world. They were my world.
   My world came crashing down on me years later. Everyone started having families of their own. Something I never really had and never will. We all drifted apart. I think I drifted even further as my Gender Identity plagued me during all this. What could I do about it? I had nothing to work with and didn't know even where to begin.
  I knew I must find my right life. Living the wrong one all those years had taken its toll. I sought and finally found help. Everything still seemed so hopeless however.
   Hope. I finally had it when I took my first dose of hormones. My depression of nearly thirty years lifted immediately. It didn't take any anti-depressants. It took the simple pills that would help me to become the woman I know I was meant to be in the first place.
   I do not know how my family will see all this. I have never been taken seriously within our family circle. I think that is what really hurts. It's not whether I will be accepted or rejected. It's whether or not they will even take the time to listen in the first place. To them I am still the hyper little boy clutching Grandma's skirts. I doubt they will say anything until they see me wearing a skirt of my own. That is when they will comment and from past experience I doubt it will be pleasant.
  When coming out as Transgender you eventually learn that people surprise you. Many have. A couple have been family. However I can't help but draw a line on many of these people. I have known them too long and they're reactions have been predictable for sometime. Still there is room for growth and understanding and perhaps I may still be misjudging them.
   So am I still living the wrong life? No. At least not entirely. I am getting at least as much of the right life as I can get. One can only go so far when they have been born with the wrong body. I still see myself on this other path. I do not know if I will ever get off it and on to the other one. The right life. Is there one? No not for anybody.