Screaming Me!

                I don’t know if I can do this. Write my story down this way. I want to cry as I type. It is hard to express what I have really gone through in my life. Who am I is where I should begin I suppose. My name is Natalie and I was born a boy.

                I hated that word that phrase, a boy. You’re a boy Nathan. You’re a boy Natalie! I wanted to scream. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why won’t anyone listen? Why can’t they hear me? I am here aren’t I?

                No for a long time I suppose I wasn’t. For a long time I was someone I was not. For a long time I was Nathan. That hurt me. That depressed me and that practically almost killed me.

                I don’t know what is going through my head sitting here at my computer writing this. How will this help me? I still want to cry. I have to close my eyes and put my hands to my face every so often and breathe just to continue. Keep going Natalie. Keep going.

                I’ve been transitioning for little over a year now. That boy everyone kept telling me to be continues to fade into my past. He still haunts me. Every day more and more I see the real me emerge like a butterfly out of a cocoon.

                I may be all over the place as I write this. I am free-writing my thoughts. Whatever pops into my head I type out. I think it is the only way I can do this in all honesty. I have written blogs about my transition but that seems different than this. Easier even. I am not sure why.

                Natalie keep it together and continue. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! On these pages silent screams. No wonder no one can hear me. My written words have only been shared with a precious few.

                Natalie is not the name I actually go by. It was the name of a Transgender character I made up. One I was using in a story I tried to write of my life before this. It didn’t work out. I don’t know why I brought and kept the name Natalie here. It fits me. Fits me just as well as the name I currently go by.

                Strange how things keep changing in my life and mold around me. How they can go from bad to worse and from worse to good. I am happy. I am a happy girl. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s right I can scream it! I AM A HAPPY GIRL!

                I had to breathe again for a minute. I don’t know why this is so emotional. Why being born a boy would continue to haunt me now that I am becoming the girl I know I am. Perhaps it is because things are coming to a head in my life.

                That is a scary thought at times. I mean where I live I can be hurt easily just for continuing to present somewhat as a man. What do I mean? My transition has reached a point where I can not entirely pass as a man anymore and without a shave and some makeup as a woman. I have some scary encounters none have been while I was fully as me. All have been in that limbo-like state. I am becoming a frightened girl. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

                Lately I go on my daily walks at night. I can wear a jacket still in this warming weather at night. It doesn’t help except to give me a little confidence to be out. Last night however with two jackets on due to the rain they did nothing at all. I was on a section of street that wasn’t well lit at least on my side. The other while well lit had no sidewalk. A car pulled up beside me and its cabin light was on. The guy in side was scruffy mid late 20’s and had a cigg in his mouth and money in his hand. He kept looking at me and following along beside me in his car. He did so for about two minutes before pulling away and I breathed again.

                Hormones do more than just develop your body into a more feminine shape.  Muscle mass is reduced and body fat redistributed as well. What you may have been able to do before transitioning you may not be able to now. Not in the same way. Like opening a can of pickles!

                AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I have to keep screaming. I have to let it all out. I am so emotionally tense. It has built up all this time all these years. You’re a boy Nathan. You’re a boy Natalie. NO I AM A FUCKING GIRL GET IT FUCKING RIGHT PEOPLE! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHO I AM. YOU NEVER COULD! You never could. You never could get me.

                You think they can hear me now? Natalie the girl.  No not Natalie. I like the name. I could even go by it, but I am Maxine. Maxine Marie that is me. Although Maxine Natalie Marie has sort of a nice ring to it! Kind of a long name however. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Perhaps I could use it as a Pen name when I become an Author.

                I suppose this has worked out a little bit. Free-writing a part of me I mean and my experiences. Perhaps I shall put it in my blog. Start sharing it there however I wish certain other people were reading my blog. All in due time I suppose.

                In my blogs I write I usually have a sign off I do when I end something I have written however this wasn’t meant to be a blog. I have Free-written this entire little blurb. I suppose I will just end it with an, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!