The Merry-Go-Round: A Relationship

   Damn, it's early yet in April and I am already writing my fourth Blog of the month! I have been hit hard this month and it seems to only be getting worse. My life here at home is growing increasingly worse as my mother retreats further into her own little world. Treating me like crap in the process.
   I am practically a stranger she can turn her nose up to now. I believe that is how her mind is seeing it. Her friends in her computer game are closer to her heart than me. Her own child.
   A verse from a song pops into my head. It's from a Hymn from church, "Has given me a Earthly Home with Parents Kind and Dear." Parents, I never had those not in the general sense. As children when that conversation would arise of, "I have a mommy and daddy," I had to respond I only had a mommy. Back then that confused my peers and they asked questions I just couldn't answer. Like, where was my daddy? I only said I didn't have one. For a time I honestly believed I was found under a cabbage leaf in the garden out back.
   My Mother had issues of her own. She didn't know how to be a mother and she never learned how to be one. Her idea of being a good mother was taking me to get fast food and the toy that came with the meal. Which was something that affected my health and my mentality growing up.
   At about the age of eight my therapist and hers told her to leave home. She somehow got it in her head that meant a whole other state! I remember crying begging her not to go and to take me with her. I wanted to go on this trip to. She left and I rarely saw her for a few years. The therapists only meant into her own apartment. I don't know how she made the leap of it being another state. I can only think of one reason. She wanted to get away from me.
   By the age of eleven my Grandmother felt I should be living with my Mother again. I admit excitement at the prospect of living in another state and getting out of Utah. However things were different there. My mother worked nights at the hospital and slept during the day.
  Pretty much that was the next few years despite me going into foster care for a couple of them. My relationship with my mother in Washington was depressing. My family back in Utah met and decided I needed to get away from that. My mothers reaction when she told me was one of the few emotional caring moments I have ever witnessed or remember between us.
  Twelve years ago as we skip over a portion of my life. I came out as Transgender to my mother for the first time. The next morning my Grandmother was immediately at our door to talk to me. Being LDS and Transgender in my mind was taboo back then, a big No No! I believe my Grandmother answering my Mother's call meant, Stop the train! Pull the emergency brake! However I stuck to the tracks for a time and kept moving.
  I remember talking to my mother about me and who I was back then. About how she was feeling about it and how she would feel if I went all the way. She told me,"Your my child I love you no matter who you are or become or what you do."
   Coming back to the present I should have seen this treatment heading my way. It's a merry-go-round relationship with us. It always comes around again only faster with each spin. Things begin to blur and eventually you become sick and need to get off. Yes that perfectly describes the Mother Daughter relationship I have always had with her. As Visibly Me Maxine Marie I suppose it's time to get on another ride. Perhaps I will try the Roller-Coaster!