The Transition of Me

   They say when you keep a Journal you will be able to go back through them one day and see how far you have come and grown. Dammit if they aren't right! The same is held true for Blogs.
   This evening I went to a old Blog of mine, one I wrote documenting my first six months of my Transition. As I read them so much past emotions, thoughts, and memories were stirred up that I felt the need to write this blog. Perhaps summarize a few of them and delve a bit deeper into how they have evolved in the latter part of my first year of Transition.
   This first blog was short and brief. It was the only one of January of last year. I had been seeing my Therapist for a while now by this time, and the Note to start Hormones was but a mere three weeks away. I briefly mention how long it took to get to that point, and at last I was about to arrive at it!
  Looking back I can see why I was so ecstatic. It really was the end of one journey and the starting of another. I also want to point out I remember it was here at this point in time that a new friendship formed in my life. One I cherish.
   In February of last year I wrote a few blogs. The first was about one of the final clicks that fell into place. I remember we were going around doing our highs and lows in the Support Group in SLC. It was my turn and I said my name is....Alice and I prefer Female pronouns. I also remember there were a few smiles and heads tilted in my direction. They all new this was a landmark in my Transitional Journey.
   The evening wore on and I was called Alice and referred in my preferred pronouns. It felt great! I think if I had known it would feel so right and apart of me. I would have insisted on such things from the beginning.
   A week later there is another blog. One that touches briefly on things I am still struggling with to this day. It was about me becoming me, the person I should of been from the get go. A Woman.
   I wrote about how most men will look at the beautiful ladies in any given room, and wonder,"What would it be like to be with them?" Basically wanting what they can't have. At least without a little effort and work first, that the woman is all to aware of in the first place. For me I always wondered to myself, "Why wasn't I one of them?"
   I would look at friends and acquaintances of the more expressive gender as I term it occasionally. And I would see them wearing high heels, skirts, dresses, and other such apparel. I would begin to ask myself those why's, and yearn for the day I could wear those things myself as myself.  Meanwhile I was entrenched to watch those friends with that freedom they seemed to not notice or take for granted, laugh and rejoice as they twirled about in the open fields of Womanhood.
   I would become depressed at those times and for awhile afterwards. Hell I just wanted to be me was that so much to ask?! To finally be able to break free and break down this massive wall, a barrier within me that prevents this real expression of just who I really am. The real me.

   I suppose it was too much to ask. At least of God. That is really hard for me to say for I still hate the guy! However I do believe in this freewill we are taught about, and while I didn't choose to be a Woman trapped in a Man's body. I sure as hell don't have to stay that way!
   A few days later another Blog was written. I had seen my therapist. It was the three week mark, I believed I had met my requirements set by her to finally at last get the Note! She agreed.
   She wrote that Note for me to take to a doctor to start Hormones. Estrogen. I teared up, my breath caught, and my head spun! The moment. It was here, now. After all these years, I was starting a journey to full expression of me!
   Full expression. As I think about that and apply it to myself today nearly a year later. It's much more than physically always has been. It just took time for me to registrar that what I was saying to everyone about me expressing me was also about breaking free what was inside!
   By that next week I had another Blog. This one concerning my first doctors appointment. Yes within a week of getting my Note to start Hormone Treatment I had a Doctor and a appointment!
   My new doctor was a very eccentric if not loopy woman by the name of Dr. Nicola Riley. Her office was affordable to someone like me with no insurance and I got a discount If I paid cash.
   She had my blood drawn to see my currant Hormone balance as well as to look at certain organ functions. After all what good would HRT do for me if my body couldn't handle them right? She also did a initial physical something I never look forward to.
  Stating this here and now. I had a appointment for the very next week to get my results and my prescriptions. She canceled on me and moved it a few days later. It wasn't the last time things like that would happen with her and I became very uneasy having her as a doctor in the times to come.
   So it was March the 8th in the next blog, and at last I had finally received my lab results. All was good and I had the green light to start Hormones. At last the day was here!
   I went down to the small pharmacy in the hospital in which my doctor had her office. They happened to have my medications, Woot! A bottle of baby aspirin to prevent stroke and blood clots and my medication was complete.
   The next morning after a much sleepless night. I awoke and hour before my alarm. Immediately looking over to my medication sitting on the table. There they were, the Estrogen and Blockers. I walked over eagerly and took my first dose!
   I hit the button for my coffee to brew and hopped in the shower. Something was already different I couldn't tell what. I dressed and drank my coffee and headed down the stairs. No I bounced down the stairs. That wasn't right either I floated!
   It took me till lunch time to figure out what the heck was going on. All through out the day people were asking me what was going on with me. Telling me I seemed different and where was I getting this energy. So I delved into my mind, heart, and soul and came to a startling conclusion. I was Happy!
   I had never felt true happiness before. It was always clouded, subdued, smothered behind a lifetime of Depression. The Depression, Oh My God! I realized It was gone! In one dose of pills it was gone. it wasn't anti-depressants, but Hormones. Oh My God!
   It was the end of March that my next blog took place. I had titled it A Boy in a Dress? It had been three weeks since the magic of Hormones entered my life. The only real change I seemed to have noticed was my facial hair thinning somewhat, and getting the closest shave I ever had before.
    There had been a incident at a local DMV the previous week that had concerned me. A Trans-Woman had gone to get her Drivers Licence and been humiliated by the staff there.
   It made me think, am I going through all this just to appear as a boy in a dress? But I thought again, that is not why I am doing this in the first place. Who cares what I look like in the end, as long as I am Happy. I was not Transitioning to look pretty. I was becoming a girl because that is who I am.
    April started with me giving a brief life history. Such as hindsight and signs that I was different from the beginning. I plan on going into this more in another blog I wont be touching on this here. Much doesn't seem to happen till the end of April that applies directly to my Transition.
   I had finally told my Grandmother and Mother I was on Hormones so they could tell the doctors at the hospital. I was seizing. They were not happy as I knew they would be. However I needed someone conscious to tell the doctors my medications because I knew I most likely wouldn't be. I was seizing every few minutes. I was in hell, a hell of my own making and folly.
     About a week later after this in another blog I was really excited. My chest was itching like crazy non-stop. Finally at last my breasts were developing. We all look forward to this due to its the one feminine feature most of us achieve and can appear more as the woman we know ourselves to be.
   May was more of the same stuff I had written above, though the last blog in May I had written about something interesting I had noticed. Something other than physical had changed about me, and people, women were noticing.
   I had been getting some strange or ugly looks from women of all ages of late. I began to worry that people could tell I was Transgender already. It had only been a couple months on HRT after all. What was the big deal with these girls and women?
   I wasn't ashamed to be Transgender, I wouldn't of come out in the first place if I was. However this is Utah County, a surreal 1950's bubble contained within the heart of Utah itself. I have to be careful.
   Now I always would receive compliments about my hair and my nails. Strange as that was about my nails many thought I did well and had good taste in the colors I choose. However the magnitude of such compliments started to increase and the time spent on them started to boggle and flatter me at the same time!
   What was going on?! It wasn't until a bus ride to SLC that I finally figured it out. On this particular bus this girl just to the front and the opposite isle of where I was sitting kept glancing back to look at me. Constantly!  I met her stare for stare but didn't care for her expression so kept mine neutral. That seemed to provoke her for she move towards her boyfriend looking back at me all the while. She then put her arm around him and drew him close continuing to look my way. I remember mentally thinking, "Honey I don't want your ugly ass boyfriend or you."
   That's when it all hit me and I grinned to myself. A friend once told me my Pheromones would change and affect me and other differently. I realized that is what was happening. I had entered another world. The man's world was simple tamed at least compared to the Wild Jungles of the Women's.
   Here I was being included weather they knew it or not into this jungle. I was being considered a threat, or an equal, or even the head lioness at times. However I also realized I had an advantage here. I saw all this from a different perspective. I could more than just play I can hunt!
   June. Yes June we have by now come near the end of the first six months of my transition. I have a Blog written about similar things along the Pheromone and Hormonal level.
   I had found by this time that certain foods such as Chocolate now affected me differently. Oh yes! It merely wasn't something you stuffed down your gullet. Chocolate is sensual to the taste emotional to the throat and utter enjoyment to the last bite! Anyone hear bells ringing?
   Another incident occurred involving my Grandmother around this time. I was at her home and she said lean closer to me hun. I did wondering what was up and going on. She said turn your face and close your eyes. I was really curious about what was about to happen now. But all that she did was say I had lovely lashes!
 What?! I became a little boggled as a conversation one in which I was included in started on eyelashes. She told me she wished she had eyelashes such as mine. What I remember thinking of was it was kind of cool being included in such a conversation. One that they probably had similar with various other Female Relatives. That felt good.
    Another blog I wish to touch on briefly is very important to my transition today. For in June I experienced my first round of CRAMPS! And have been every month since. What gets me is I am on the pills not injections, and do not know of any other Trans-Women experiencing such starting that early in their transition.
   I do wish to make a note that in my research puberty in girls starts with one thing or the other triggered by certain Hormones and moves forward from there. This early in Transition and with these symptoms I haven't been able to just shrug off as normal effects of Transitioning. I believe that there maybe a hidden factor in my  case.
   July, nothing of note concerning my Transition in July but a shopping trip. It was a great experience one I hope to repeat one day. A friend from my support group as well as another friend who lived near the mall supported me during this day. They offered advice on clothing and what looked good and what didn't on me. I felt like a girl going shopping at the mall with friends.
   This has been the first six months of my Transition. It is now nearly a year since I started HRT and much more has happened. I stopped blogging for a time and so the latter six months has not been recorded. Here is little of what is going on currently in my life.
   My doctor, Dr. Nicola Riley was arrested for murder, but I found a new and much better doctor in my opinion. One who is taking very good care of me. She adjusted my Medication and my Transition took off once more.
    Emotionally I have been a wreck Mentally as well. What with my transition pushing puberty full throttle I am about ready to throttle someone or something myself! About the only thing that is balanced out is my Spirituality.
    I try to live the best I can. I can only live as me. I know Religion and other organizations and people will struggle with that and put blockades in my path as I go through this life. I'll get through it after all I am Visibly Me Maxine Marie!

The Different Differences of Me

   It's been twelve years since I first came out to the first people in my life that I was Transgender. Friends and later some Family. However looking back that is an entirely different person who did that. I am not just years apart from who I was back then but really a different person.
   The person back then was named Corey, and everyone called him as such. An overweight, insecure, low self esteemed, extremely shy man. He kept walls up to keep people away, other walls were installed by family and society as he went about through life.
   It was these Friends, the core of them anyways, that turned out to be true. They helped break down that shy shell. They told him its okay to be you. Even in Utah. He wished he had listened to them then.
   Instead he listened to Bishops and Family that being Transgender was against the Natural Order of God. He felt guilty at their words.
   Years past as he struggled with this "guilt". He quit smoking, went back to church, played church ball, even received the Melchizedek Priesthood. He felt somewhat happy, and excited at times as he found things in the scriptures. However even the Church and its Temples nor its Priesthood could relieve the lifetime Depression he still carried with him. During this time he lost touch with those friends. It was years and another different person later he would find them again.
    He had moved to Orem. It wasn't as easy here to constantly attend Church and keep his Mind and Emotions  in check. The Depression grabbed him and pulled him under until he was hospitalized. He eventually stopped attending Church altogether.
   This man called Corey had made another friend online. She helped introduce him to Metal. He found his own way from there. This music was his he liked it, no he loved it!
   Looking at his life, he realized he was being controlled and molded. From the clothes he wore, his haircut, even the music he listened to, but mostly his life in general. He started saying No and took control. It took a while for his family to accept that much and most are struggling with that concept to this day.
   It was how this Corey came about. He had long hair now, using the excuse he was a metal head. Though sub-consciously there was a hidden agenda lying underneath. He was a entirely different person from the previous Corey. Stronger no longer shy, but still insecure.
   As time went on this way he was enrolled into a school for adults with learning and social disorders. However they never could diagnose him. It was here he realized that he was at a crossroads and that even straight and narrow paths have multiple courses to travel and purposes in life.
   He asked himself a question. How can he move forward in life if he doesn't know anything about his Identity? He tried the church, and that route was still open to him. However, another route needed to be explored. He needed to talk to others with the same issue and perhaps a professional with background in Gender Identity. He went to a Support Group in SLC the only resource he was able to find.
   No one there sugar coated anything for this Corey. In point of fact they made Corey rethink and evaluate everything they had done and thought of before. Corey came to a conclusion after they had done so for some time. Their Identity was Female.
    Corey had family that wouldn't be happy about this. Due to Church beliefs they think this a choice. Corey though looking back at his whole life knew otherwise. This wasn't a choice in their life, It was their life their whole life! Had been from the beginning perhaps even before their birth.
   A new Corey took shape, as more meetings were attended and he adopted the pronouns there that felt right. She. She was Alice.
    Around this time Alice had established contact with some of those old friends. She would visit them on occasion and notice how happy they were living as themselves. For they were out and about in the GLBT community as well. She took action before the Depression took her.
    Using Facebook as a medium she told all her currant friends and family at once she is TRANSGENDER. She was polite and tried to be as understanding for their feelings as was possible under those circumstances. She felt much better and received much support from various people, some of which surprised her.
   A couple days after that she was with one of those friends again. Smoking. Having a private chat. Alice announced her intentions to start Hormones. That friend just like in the days of old supported her out right but didn't sugar coat it either. Saying this now Good Friends specially one like this are hard to find!
   It's over a year later since then. Alice is gone. Maxine Marie is here and here to stay. My Name Change and Gender Marker papers are being filled out. I am managing my weight, I have Moderate Self-esteem, my insecurity has gone to hell in a hand basket, and if anyone thinks I am shy I pretty much know most of the 70 something friends I have on Facebook in person. This is the Differences of Visibly Me Maxine Marie!
 

Constructive Destruction

   I've about had it up over my head with my Mother. I know that when people like me Transition it can be difficult on loved ones. However my Mother refuses to even face life let alone my Transition.
    We were both MMORPG players. I actually got her into it just as her brother, my uncle introduced me to the thrills of online gaming. However I still left room in my life for other things besides work and gaming.
    Hanging with friends, going on walks, going to a movie, a play, hell even reading a book! I could and would even leave those MMORPG's for months at a time because I needed a break. Not my Mother though, she has been playing for Nine Years straight!
   Our relationship as Mother and Child has suffered to say the least. Though it has always stood on rocky ground. And now when asked or talked to about my Transition, she says I don't want to talk about it, or one worded responses. I should mention that while she does her eyes are focused on the computer screen. She than pushes a push to talk key and talks to someone through her computer.
   In times past I use to have to hide the cords before she would get home from work. Just so I could talk to her. Right now I feel like cutting the internet connection into pieces. We don't have the money to buy a new cable, and she isn't knowledgeable about wireless connections.
    Today I had done some eye makeup and asked her to look at it. She wasn't being nice about it. Actually about the nicest thing she said was, "I don't like you wearing eye shadow." I asked her why she wears makeup. Because if she doesn't like me wearing it, I want to hear why she wears makeup! She said, "Because I want to." I told her well there we are than, and I walked out of the room pissed.

    I went on a short walk, however when I arrived back home I still felt pissed off to no end. There were some clothes in the hallway, former "Man" clothes I planned on getting rid of as soon as I got them washed an organized. That is no longer necessary for a few of them.
    I managed to find some scissors, and a few snips later some old jeans were nothing but scraps. There were some ragged T-Shirts mixed in the bunch as well. I managed to snip and tare these apart.
    My Mother happened upon my CONSTRUCTIVE DESTRUCTION, and she didn't take it so well. However as I said above she is pretty predicable. She was back at her monitor and keyboard playing her game.
     You know it's dawned on me recently. My Mother may have a job, but I have a life and I'm actually progressing in it. I may be at home while she is at work, but I am reading or writing my own book. We both have issues and illnesses, but at least I am facing mine and not letting it control me. I may be a dependent right now, but I am motivated to get elsewhere in life. Where will she be when I have Transitioned and finally able to move on? Isn't it obvious? I am continuing on and as always I am Visibly Me Maxine Marie!
   

Lifestyle Changes

   Today I woke up feeling optimistic if that is the correct term or word to use. Something was going on within my MIND, my HEART, and within my SOUL. I started thinking about were I was in my transition and where I should be. I am after all nearing one year on my Hormone Replacement Therapy. One year on what so many of us refer to the Magical Pills. 

   Many changes and effects have taken place. Some not as prominent as they should be. Although at the time I believed,said or wished otherwise. Some of these were due to the care I was receiving from my Doctor, or lack there of. But this blog isn't about blaming a doctor or even what changes are taking place in my body due to HRT. No, I am here to talk about the changes I made in my LIFE today. 

   After surfing Facebook for a time today I came to a conclusion. I had been looking at my own posts about this past week. What others had said on them, or even what others were posting themselves, and what I was commenting upon. I am not me yet. 

    I stood up from my computer and went and showered. My intention was to just put on some makeup, dress up, take a couple pictures, then take it all off and go for a walk. I have been known to do this on occasion, especially when I feel down and need to feel more like me. 

    However after tying my hair back and putting on a undershirt that would go well with the clothes I planed to wear. I noticed something strange in the mirror as I finished applying eye shadow. The features were smoother less angular; sure a facial shadow from just shaving was still apparent; but there was something feminine in the face staring back at me. 

   I went back to my room and waited for my hair to dry. I surfed Facebook a bit more and wrote in my story as well. Most importantly on my mind was what I had just seen in that mirror. Could I do this I kept thinking. 

   I had had conversations with a family member before. Talking about the when's I would do this or that. They always seemed to be down the road in the future. Even in my own mind. I realize now I didn't need to wait to be more developed or to loose more weight. I needed this now especially after recent events earlier in the week. 

   I went back in the bathroom and finished my makeup. I tried using as little foundation and such as possible. It worked. At least in my eyes. I refused to use my forms instead opting for a padded bra I had. I just wanted to appear as me with what I had to work with. It felt great! 

    Now I can tell you I did take a picture or two. After all one doesn't go through all that work for nothing. That and I have friends that would chase me down if I didn't. As I posted said pic and made it my profile picture on Facebook I started thinking some more. Why should this end here?

    I have clothes I am still wearing that no longer fit due to weight loss. I don't even want to wear them because they just aren't me! I WANT TO BE ME! I decided to gather them up and I will either take them to Deseret Industries or trash them. 

    I no longer want to hide. I can't hide, and I don't want the TEMPTATION around to hide. The clothes MUST GO! Besides a few T-shirts I do like of course. 

    My mother's reaction to all this was just that. It is at least something compared to her usual silence and indifference. I believe I even witnessed a reluctant acceptance in there. 

    My mind,heart, and soul are made up. I will continue on and go through with these and other discisons. I may not have many feminine clothes as yet. But I will make due with what I do have for now until I can get more. So now here I am indefinably Visibly Me Maxine Marie!

I AM WHO I AM!

   I have not written in a blog in a while. My previous blog I deemed outdated and inadequate for my new and currant purposes. I am a Writer, and the best way for a Writer to blow off steam is to WRITE! Unless of course the thing you need to blow off steam about is your Writing. In which case I recommend a nice leisure paced walk.
   A incident occurred today, because I am who I am. Who am I? For the record? I AM TRANSGENDER! I AM ON HORMONES! I AM TRANSITIONING! I AM MALE TO FEMALE! I am who I am. However as a side note, I don't believe MtF is a reliable term to relate to people just who I am and what I am doing.
   So before we get to the incident of today some background must be giving. I attend a certain school, a privately funded school. Here is their mission statement minus the school name.

 "This School, a school for adults with learning disabilities. Our mission is to help individuals diagnosed with Autism, Aspergers, ADHD, Executive Functioning Deficits, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, or Dysgraphia, or other learning disabilities gain skills that lead to interdependent and fulfilling lives. We do this through case management, clinical services, education, employment, health/fitness, and recreational therapy. Through our residential or day-time programming, students learn about their disabilities and how to accommodate for them. This School provides the safe environment necessary for students with learning disabilities to help gain knowledge and confidence in the path that lies before them."

    
   So I attended this school for sometime. Many of the staff knew of my Gender Identity before I even told them. For most of the staff there have either a Social Workers Degree or better. A few including those in charge knew when I actually started Transitioning, because I told them. And here is the real kicker! The Administrator, who this incident surrounds, gave me permission to dress as well me! Sounds too good to be true doesn't it.  
      Well shortly after this I arranged to have Case Management and Therapy at a as needed bases. I had become depressed around that time, and just didn't want to be anywhere. I fell into a slump. The icing on the cake was when my Doctor over seeing my Transition was arrested. 
    Then out of no where a Trans-Clinic opens, yes here in Utah! The staff where accepting and helpful, The Doctor listened and was concerned. At last Health Care and some understanding for those of us with no insurance.
   I quit smoking that very day after my visit with my new doctor. I made more changes to my diet. I increased the distance of my walks. I had motivation! 
   This was all little over a week ago. My first new route I walked all the way across town to my school SIX MILES! I arrived and everyone was surprised to see me to say the least. I thought to myself I need this again. Classes would be good. Something in the gym with the trainer perhaps and get in the Writers Group would be great! The social aspect would be good for me too as all my friends are in SLC or Ogden area. 
   They held a Student Review to change my status from Follow up to Day Student so I could attend classes once more. I didn't know a Wolf wearing Sheep's clothing lurked in the shadows.Wolf spelled B-I-G-O-T. 
    I walked into the conference room where they held the review and it was quiet.I found this strange for most there were usually very vocal in these meetings. The Administrator seemed to have taking the reigns this time for everyone kept their heads pretty much bowed the entire time. That to was strange, for it was usually a open forum for all to discuss things. Not this time!
   He said out right to me, We believe it is time you moved on and we terminate you from our school. Our basis being your MENTAL state, stability and outbursts. That staff should not have to handle such outbursts and I should be elsewhere to receive help for my Mentality. 
   I told him outright I was not here to receive help for my mental well being, though I admit therapy is nice to have available. I told him what I was there for, To progress further in my own personal goals, and to ride this motivation and use it as best I can. It didn't satisfy him, nor would it have apparently. 
   He wouldn't hear any of that, but again brought up my Mental state, my mental outbursts, my mental instability. Surrounding such statements with, you have the Adult TG group and that Therapist in SLC to help with that. 
     I knew then nothing I said or did would change his mind. I looked around for help, but had none. Heads were down and eyes were averted. The meeting was adjourned and I was terminated from my School.
    I talked to my Case Manager afterwards in his office and asked him. Correct me if I am wrong or reading into it, but did I just get kicked out by a bigot for being Transgender? He nodded his head and said there's a little more but it boils down to that yes. I knew, but only asked to see if I could at least get some sort of conformation from at least one staff member. Just one to Admit it! Even if it was only him and I in the room.
    So here I am now blowing off steam by creating and writing a new blog. I am who I am. I am still here.I am Transgender. I am Visibly Me Maxine Marie!