They say when you keep a Journal you will be able to go back through them one day and see how far you have come and grown. Dammit if they aren't right! The same is held true for Blogs.This evening I went to a old Blog of mine, one I wrote documenting my first six months of my Transition. As I read them so much past emotions, thoughts, and memories were stirred up that I felt the need to write this blog. Perhaps summarize a few of them and delve a bit deeper into how they have evolved in the latter part of my first year of Transition.
This first blog was short and brief. It was the only one of January of last year. I had been seeing my Therapist for a while now by this time, and the Note to start Hormones was but a mere three weeks away. I briefly mention how long it took to get to that point, and at last I was about to arrive at it!
Looking back I can see why I was so ecstatic. It really was the end of one journey and the starting of another. I also want to point out I remember it was here at this point in time that a new friendship formed in my life. One I cherish.
In February of last year I wrote a few blogs. The first was about one of the final clicks that fell into place. I remember we were going around doing our highs and lows in the Support Group in SLC. It was my turn and I said my name is....Alice and I prefer Female pronouns. I also remember there were a few smiles and heads tilted in my direction. They all new this was a landmark in my Transitional Journey.
The evening wore on and I was called Alice and referred in my preferred pronouns. It felt great! I think if I had known it would feel so right and apart of me. I would have insisted on such things from the beginning.
A week later there is another blog. One that touches briefly on things I am still struggling with to this day. It was about me becoming me, the person I should of been from the get go. A Woman.
I wrote about how most men will look at the beautiful ladies in any given room, and wonder,"What would it be like to be with them?" Basically wanting what they can't have. At least without a little effort and work first, that the woman is all to aware of in the first place. For me I always wondered to myself, "Why wasn't I one of them?"
I would look at friends and acquaintances of the more expressive gender as I term it occasionally. And I would see them wearing high heels, skirts, dresses, and other such apparel. I would begin to ask myself those why's, and yearn for the day I could wear those things myself as myself. Meanwhile I was entrenched to watch those friends with that freedom they seemed to not notice or take for granted, laugh and rejoice as they twirled about in the open fields of Womanhood.
I would become depressed at those times and for awhile afterwards. Hell I just wanted to be me was that so much to ask?! To finally be able to break free and break down this massive wall, a barrier within me that prevents this real expression of just who I really am. The real me.
A few days later another Blog was written. I had seen my therapist. It was the three week mark, I believed I had met my requirements set by her to finally at last get the Note! She agreed.
She wrote that Note for me to take to a doctor to start Hormones. Estrogen. I teared up, my breath caught, and my head spun! The moment. It was here, now. After all these years, I was starting a journey to full expression of me!
Full expression. As I think about that and apply it to myself today nearly a year later. It's much more than physically always has been. It just took time for me to registrar that what I was saying to everyone about me expressing me was also about breaking free what was inside!
By that next week I had another Blog. This one concerning my first doctors appointment. Yes within a week of getting my Note to start Hormone Treatment I had a Doctor and a appointment!
My new doctor was a very eccentric if not loopy woman by the name of Dr. Nicola Riley. Her office was affordable to someone like me with no insurance and I got a discount If I paid cash.
She had my blood drawn to see my currant Hormone balance as well as to look at certain organ functions. After all what good would HRT do for me if my body couldn't handle them right? She also did a initial physical something I never look forward to.
Stating this here and now. I had a appointment for the very next week to get my results and my prescriptions. She canceled on me and moved it a few days later. It wasn't the last time things like that would happen with her and I became very uneasy having her as a doctor in the times to come.
So it was March the 8th in the next blog, and at last I had finally received my lab results. All was good and I had the green light to start Hormones. At last the day was here!
I went down to the small pharmacy in the hospital in which my doctor had her office. They happened to have my medications, Woot! A bottle of baby aspirin to prevent stroke and blood clots and my medication was complete.
The next morning after a much sleepless night. I awoke and hour before my alarm. Immediately looking over to my medication sitting on the table. There they were, the Estrogen and Blockers. I walked over eagerly and took my first dose!
I hit the button for my coffee to brew and hopped in the shower. Something was already different I couldn't tell what. I dressed and drank my coffee and headed down the stairs. No I bounced down the stairs. That wasn't right either I floated!
It took me till lunch time to figure out what the heck was going on. All through out the day people were asking me what was going on with me. Telling me I seemed different and where was I getting this energy. So I delved into my mind, heart, and soul and came to a startling conclusion. I was Happy!
I had never felt true happiness before. It was always clouded, subdued, smothered behind a lifetime of Depression. The Depression, Oh My God! I realized It was gone! In one dose of pills it was gone. it wasn't anti-depressants, but Hormones. Oh My God!
It was the end of March that my next blog took place. I had titled it A Boy in a Dress? It had been three weeks since the magic of Hormones entered my life. The only real change I seemed to have noticed was my facial hair thinning somewhat, and getting the closest shave I ever had before.There had been a incident at a local DMV the previous week that had concerned me. A Trans-Woman had gone to get her Drivers Licence and been humiliated by the staff there.
It made me think, am I going through all this just to appear as a boy in a dress? But I thought again, that is not why I am doing this in the first place. Who cares what I look like in the end, as long as I am Happy. I was not Transitioning to look pretty. I was becoming a girl because that is who I am.
April started with me giving a brief life history. Such as hindsight and signs that I was different from the beginning. I plan on going into this more in another blog I wont be touching on this here. Much doesn't seem to happen till the end of April that applies directly to my Transition.
I had finally told my Grandmother and Mother I was on Hormones so they could tell the doctors at the hospital. I was seizing. They were not happy as I knew they would be. However I needed someone conscious to tell the doctors my medications because I knew I most likely wouldn't be. I was seizing every few minutes. I was in hell, a hell of my own making and folly.
About a week later after this in another blog I was really excited. My chest was itching like crazy non-stop. Finally at last my breasts were developing. We all look forward to this due to its the one feminine feature most of us achieve and can appear more as the woman we know ourselves to be.
May was more of the same stuff I had written above, though the last blog in May I had written about something interesting I had noticed. Something other than physical had changed about me, and people, women were noticing.
I had been getting some strange or ugly looks from women of all ages of late. I began to worry that people could tell I was Transgender already. It had only been a couple months on HRT after all. What was the big deal with these girls and women?
I wasn't ashamed to be Transgender, I wouldn't of come out in the first place if I was. However this is Utah County, a surreal 1950's bubble contained within the heart of Utah itself. I have to be careful.
Now I always would receive compliments about my hair and my nails. Strange as that was about my nails many thought I did well and had good taste in the colors I choose. However the magnitude of such compliments started to increase and the time spent on them started to boggle and flatter me at the same time!
What was going on?! It wasn't until a bus ride to SLC that I finally figured it out. On this particular bus this girl just to the front and the opposite isle of where I was sitting kept glancing back to look at me. Constantly! I met her stare for stare but didn't care for her expression so kept mine neutral. That seemed to provoke her for she move towards her boyfriend looking back at me all the while. She then put her arm around him and drew him close continuing to look my way. I remember mentally thinking, "Honey I don't want your ugly ass boyfriend or you."
That's when it all hit me and I grinned to myself. A friend once told me my Pheromones would change and affect me and other differently. I realized that is what was happening. I had entered another world. The man's world was simple tamed at least compared to the Wild Jungles of the Women's.
Here I was being included weather they knew it or not into this jungle. I was being considered a threat, or an equal, or even the head lioness at times. However I also realized I had an advantage here. I saw all this from a different perspective. I could more than just play I can hunt!
June. Yes June we have by now come near the end of the first six months of my transition. I have a Blog written about similar things along the Pheromone and Hormonal level.
I had found by this time that certain foods such as Chocolate now affected me differently. Oh yes! It merely wasn't something you stuffed down your gullet. Chocolate is sensual to the taste emotional to the throat and utter enjoyment to the last bite! Anyone hear bells ringing?
Another incident occurred involving my Grandmother around this time. I was at her home and she said lean closer to me hun. I did wondering what was up and going on. She said turn your face and close your eyes. I was really curious about what was about to happen now. But all that she did was say I had lovely lashes!
What?! I became a little boggled as a conversation one in which I was included in started on eyelashes. She told me she wished she had eyelashes such as mine. What I remember thinking of was it was kind of cool being included in such a conversation. One that they probably had similar with various other Female Relatives. That felt good.
Another blog I wish to touch on briefly is very important to my transition today. For in June I experienced my first round of CRAMPS! And have been every month since. What gets me is I am on the pills not injections, and do not know of any other Trans-Women experiencing such starting that early in their transition.
I do wish to make a note that in my research puberty in girls starts with one thing or the other triggered by certain Hormones and moves forward from there. This early in Transition and with these symptoms I haven't been able to just shrug off as normal effects of Transitioning. I believe that there maybe a hidden factor in my case.
July, nothing of note concerning my Transition in July but a shopping trip. It was a great experience one I hope to repeat one day. A friend from my support group as well as another friend who lived near the mall supported me during this day. They offered advice on clothing and what looked good and what didn't on me. I felt like a girl going shopping at the mall with friends.
This has been the first six months of my Transition. It is now nearly a year since I started HRT and much more has happened. I stopped blogging for a time and so the latter six months has not been recorded. Here is little of what is going on currently in my life.
My doctor, Dr. Nicola Riley was arrested for murder, but I found a new and much better doctor in my opinion. One who is taking very good care of me. She adjusted my Medication and my Transition took off once more.
Emotionally I have been a wreck Mentally as well. What with my transition pushing puberty full throttle I am about ready to throttle someone or something myself! About the only thing that is balanced out is my Spirituality.
I try to live the best I can. I can only live as me. I know Religion and other organizations and people will struggle with that and put blockades in my path as I go through this life. I'll get through it after all I am Visibly Me Maxine Marie!
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