The Different Differences of Me

   It's been twelve years since I first came out to the first people in my life that I was Transgender. Friends and later some Family. However looking back that is an entirely different person who did that. I am not just years apart from who I was back then but really a different person.
   The person back then was named Corey, and everyone called him as such. An overweight, insecure, low self esteemed, extremely shy man. He kept walls up to keep people away, other walls were installed by family and society as he went about through life.
   It was these Friends, the core of them anyways, that turned out to be true. They helped break down that shy shell. They told him its okay to be you. Even in Utah. He wished he had listened to them then.
   Instead he listened to Bishops and Family that being Transgender was against the Natural Order of God. He felt guilty at their words.
   Years past as he struggled with this "guilt". He quit smoking, went back to church, played church ball, even received the Melchizedek Priesthood. He felt somewhat happy, and excited at times as he found things in the scriptures. However even the Church and its Temples nor its Priesthood could relieve the lifetime Depression he still carried with him. During this time he lost touch with those friends. It was years and another different person later he would find them again.
    He had moved to Orem. It wasn't as easy here to constantly attend Church and keep his Mind and Emotions  in check. The Depression grabbed him and pulled him under until he was hospitalized. He eventually stopped attending Church altogether.
   This man called Corey had made another friend online. She helped introduce him to Metal. He found his own way from there. This music was his he liked it, no he loved it!
   Looking at his life, he realized he was being controlled and molded. From the clothes he wore, his haircut, even the music he listened to, but mostly his life in general. He started saying No and took control. It took a while for his family to accept that much and most are struggling with that concept to this day.
   It was how this Corey came about. He had long hair now, using the excuse he was a metal head. Though sub-consciously there was a hidden agenda lying underneath. He was a entirely different person from the previous Corey. Stronger no longer shy, but still insecure.
   As time went on this way he was enrolled into a school for adults with learning and social disorders. However they never could diagnose him. It was here he realized that he was at a crossroads and that even straight and narrow paths have multiple courses to travel and purposes in life.
   He asked himself a question. How can he move forward in life if he doesn't know anything about his Identity? He tried the church, and that route was still open to him. However, another route needed to be explored. He needed to talk to others with the same issue and perhaps a professional with background in Gender Identity. He went to a Support Group in SLC the only resource he was able to find.
   No one there sugar coated anything for this Corey. In point of fact they made Corey rethink and evaluate everything they had done and thought of before. Corey came to a conclusion after they had done so for some time. Their Identity was Female.
    Corey had family that wouldn't be happy about this. Due to Church beliefs they think this a choice. Corey though looking back at his whole life knew otherwise. This wasn't a choice in their life, It was their life their whole life! Had been from the beginning perhaps even before their birth.
   A new Corey took shape, as more meetings were attended and he adopted the pronouns there that felt right. She. She was Alice.
    Around this time Alice had established contact with some of those old friends. She would visit them on occasion and notice how happy they were living as themselves. For they were out and about in the GLBT community as well. She took action before the Depression took her.
    Using Facebook as a medium she told all her currant friends and family at once she is TRANSGENDER. She was polite and tried to be as understanding for their feelings as was possible under those circumstances. She felt much better and received much support from various people, some of which surprised her.
   A couple days after that she was with one of those friends again. Smoking. Having a private chat. Alice announced her intentions to start Hormones. That friend just like in the days of old supported her out right but didn't sugar coat it either. Saying this now Good Friends specially one like this are hard to find!
   It's over a year later since then. Alice is gone. Maxine Marie is here and here to stay. My Name Change and Gender Marker papers are being filled out. I am managing my weight, I have Moderate Self-esteem, my insecurity has gone to hell in a hand basket, and if anyone thinks I am shy I pretty much know most of the 70 something friends I have on Facebook in person. This is the Differences of Visibly Me Maxine Marie!