Trapped....

 I feel so trapped today my skin, my body the prison. There isn't anything I can do right now to change it. My mind has become once more plagued by the could have been's and the would have been's and most especially the should have been's. The need to's and have to's have joined the mind fray this time as well. I do not know how much more I can withstand.
  I could have been born biologically a girl. Why wasn't I? I should have been. It would have put my life on a course that I see so many acquaintances upon. I should be on that course too. I need to be on that course. I have to be on that course. I should be following that course!
  So people say now I am at least heading in that general direction. I suppose so. Still I need Reassignment Surgery. I have to have it. It is one of the last remaining walls in my head, and the only way I can continue to move forward in my life. I just can't afford it.
   Nine years ago I was diagnosed with a Seizure Disorder. Hit me hard you could say. Many in my family and other acquaintanceship did not really understand and therefore were no help in that situation. They told me to get a job while I was seizing every few hours or so. It took a few years to get it and me under control. By then I had no job history. Has does one get a job let alone money for a Surgery they need with no job history?!
   If I had no job history how did I get money to start my transition you might ask. I had a brief job as a stage tech. It wasn't even part time but I was able to save up enough to see the therapist and later the doctor to get started. Hormones are cheap compared to many other prescription drugs. Once you have your Note to start HRT and get the initial doctors visit out of the way Transitioning isn't all that expensive until you need to get blood drawn again or see your doctor or you arrive at the point of Surgery.
   I shouldn't need to have Surgery. I could have been born the way I should have been born. It would have saved so much more trouble for me, family, and more in the end.
   Why? Why do I need Reassignment Surgery? It will match me entirely as a whole for one. Another reason is Relationships. My Sexual Orientation has made itself known clearly at last. It was never clear I saw my orientation through a fog my whole life until now. I know I was always uncomfortable around guy talk because I wasn't attracted to women the way they were. I didn't see women the way they did. That's right I am attracted to men. I do not know if I can have a relationship with a woman. I think that has been part of my social problem now and growing up. I was expected to and I couldn't.
  At first I didn't know why those OF's popped up every so often like they did today and plagued me so. I do now. It's regret. Regret for a past I could have had, and regret for a Future I may not get to see. A Future I desperately want and reach for with my heart and soul. I will strive for it. I just don't know how to go about getting there. I suppose right there is another reason I feel Trapped.